I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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