Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Blow job season was short but glorious.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.