dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
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what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
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I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed