So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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