You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
