i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
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So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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