then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
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masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
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Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst