Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
im six kinds of drunk right now
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
