I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
