Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
