Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
