Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
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I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
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And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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