I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body