Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
