He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
