i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
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For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
How does it feel to date your dad?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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