Dude my mom stole all your condoms
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"