Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
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dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
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You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.