At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.