I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.