I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.