I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS