Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
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Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
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It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.