So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
