This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
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It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize