Fine. I'll sleep in my office
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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