White coat. Heels.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
