watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
