I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
OPIZZABONMYDICK
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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