but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
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I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
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If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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