I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
