Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.