It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
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its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
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Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you