His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
