pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
