Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
