the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
