Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
