Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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