Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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