I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
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Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
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theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died