i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
