I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
