I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying