apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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