Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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