If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
