I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
