I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
