Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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