tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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