but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
