i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
