your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
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Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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