I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
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she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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