2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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