Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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