I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power